is this what i get? 

i need to work on a lot of personal things, you know, i may actually be moving from my parent’s house soon, so soon and i think that living her is really crippling for me.

I’m terrified and excited. 

also i’m at that stage again where i want to talk to people, i’m not going to but i’m here again. who knows how long i’ll feel that way.

i want to go on a trip to see my friend with another friend but i’m having a hard time working up the nerve to message them.

Ah. i’m trying so hard not to cling too much but not to be too cold or distant at work. it’s a hard act to pull off. maybe i’m too naive but i really have love for most of my coworkers.  

there was that minuscule crush but i really think i’m over that.

drinking, helps me to be social but i can’t do that until i’m in a situation where it’s okay for that, also there’s a fine line before i start rubbing people’s thighs and getting overly affectionate and then drunk.

i want a real friend but i’m not sure i’m ready for that yet. i’m not sure there are any candidates either, i’m not that likable.

I hate being around, existing in other people’s lives. I hate it, i want to stop feeling like a failure, like i’m bothering people. I don’t understand social cues, i don’t know what’s appropriate and what’s not. mostly i just can’t relate well and most of the time i get too attached to people. and i bother them i bother everyone, i just want to be alone and fine, that’s good. i know myself well enough. 

and when people tell me they ‘care’ or whatever i don’t believe them or worse i feel bad that they care for something as useless as me.

i want to go away and stop being me.

ever just expected something? taken for granted your feelings and attitudes, just assumed that something would happen that way, because it should happen that way?

I don’t know, I feel more and more like a dud or a lemon, like there’s something about me that no matter how hard I try, I’m just not fit for the road for very long.

I’ve been told it’s not best to compare yourself with others (which feels like I’m at the bottom of the barrel), but if I’m to count how far I’ve come then it’s still no where.

I don’t know, I’m going to stop telling people I went to college. They pity me, I hate it. Yes so, I went to school but it doesn’t mean I know how to get a ‘good’ job. I they didn’t know they’d think the job I have was a good job, good benefits, a nice union, and a pretty good pay rate.

I’m good at learning things I guess, for some reason my coworkers are impressed with my comprehension level for spanish, but I feel like it could be better.

Well that was whiney, but about that. I miss having an unconditional best friend. It sounds really high school but you know when you want to just grab some joe and shoot the breeze, whine and just have them commiserate about the shitty things they feel too.

I kind of thought that that kind of person was always a given but I don’t have one and you know whatever but there are times, i just miss it so much.

obviously i sometimes write my mind on here.

right now i’ve exiled myself from twitter, or rather tweetdeck, because my echofon and tweetcaster keep going off, so i check but i’m not on the t-list because someone is posting some things that trigger me to want to do things i shouldn’t.

its not their fault, i mean the things they’re posting are actually kind of meant to spur them to be triggered, but i have no right to stop them from doing that to them self.

i’ve only got my prayers and my hopes.

my friend told me once that you can’t save people, in the end, they get the choice. i’m still dealing with that one, but i want so much to believe her.

and maybe i couldn’t have saved her, and there was nothing anyone could have done. but i mean when i was eight or nine we had an assignment to draw our future house, what we wanted when we grew up. of course i drew a large house with two people inside of it, me and her— i never ever wanted to think of a future without her being there. 

you know that’s the memory that hurts the most, not our petty fight in the 5th grade that had us on the outs until 8th grade when we realized it was nothing, no hard feelings, but we definitely weren’t best friends any longer. it was when i remember feeling like she’d be part of my life forever.

and she was still there, i mean i’d run into her around town a hello and a friendly greeting. nothing big, but it mattered. i don’t  know that comfort of knowing someone else walked the earth with the same formative memories as me was comforting, she might not have known it but it a way she kept me from being a very depressed and lonely kid. 

i mean, i’ll never ever forget her. and thats why i made a promise to not let the bad thoughts or things get to me, also i want to hold tight to everyone else in my life because i don’t want them to think they don’t mean the whole entire world to me.

being positive and looking forward aren’t always easy. 

when one resolves to be good, to be positive, it seems easy, but really badness is so common and everyday that it’s hard to live like 24/7 beam of sunshine.

but i try to both begin and end each day with a good thought, a cheer, or something that says that today was good enough and tomorrow will be better.

I don’t really know if any of you are Christian or what you feel about theology and other belief systems, but as long as you’re respectful we’re all good.
I am a Christian, I don’t often go around saying that, honestly I believe those kinds of things are personal and there are times a places for them.

Anyhow, I don’t know if it’s the season or just this time in my life, but I feel like there are so many people I want to pray for, but honestly I want to do more than just pray but I don’t know how or what to do for them. If I got all my wishes then everyone on earth would be happy and health with joy in their hearts.

There’s so much bad stuff in life, so may unpleasant things and hardships that  we are all faced with, and I get that, but sometimes I wonder if some people are so close to breaking and I just want to stand next to them and hold them up.

I’m trying hard to be positive and happy, I’m not tying to waste time being angry or vengeful, even though sometimes I seethe with venomous thoughts…

I want to be a good person, but I want to know how. 

i feel like giving up your pride and self respect isn’t in itself a hard act, but dealing with how you feel afterwards is hard.

and honestly if i feel like i’m giving up my self respect then i must really not think highly of those around me, which is maybe a bigger problem. 

the boy i worked with today… he was easy to get along with— but it was still awkward… but that’s how things are with me.

that super cheesy wongfu video popped up on my t-list and my newsfeed so obs i watched.

i was not touched, i thought it was trying too hard and that it showed too much.

maybe i’m just too cynical sure i try to believe in romantic love and all that jazz but it’s not easy when you’ve never felt it or like witnessed it first hand, i guess.

i know it’s not a simple as it is in fiction or as easy as just following the string tied to your finger, but i still couldn’t tell you what it is or how it feels like.

my language fails me when it comes to a single easy to define term to differentiate the different kinds or categories of love. love… i think i love my sisters and my niece, i know i love my friends, the whores and all those people who meant something to me sometime before. 

but what is this love i’m supposed to feel towards a future partner, the person that i’m supposed to want to be with forever, what is is even like to want that?

i do know something, well i do know that i think that something, that when i love someone like that, in that way, i’m not going to want anything in return, that i’d just want to devote my life’s energy to them. 

i can’t even imagine what it’d be like for someone to want to do that for me— it’s terrifying and burdensome. i don’t know.

but i really don’t know. i don’t know what it’s even like, i don’t know if it’s even for me.

it’s these songs love songs, ballad songs, rnb songs they tout that love is this great thing, i don’t know it might be, but they sure do make it hard not to wonder what love is?

so basically i have the social skills of a rotting pig carcass. 

i don’t want to be friendly, but i think i don’t have to be so cold.

and there’s the amanda problem, i should really burry it and move on but, whatever.

i like my job but i don’t like the social environment.

i may or may not be giving my self a tiny panic attack right now. thinking about this.

i’m nervous about so many things, but none of them will kill me so why am i worried?

i’m really getting anxious about going back out into the world, i don’t think i’m a recluse i just don’t like seeing other people or going out, but i do, when i have to.

i’m lonely with my thoughts but i don’t like being around other people, i need to be good at shutting them out, i don’t want attachments but i’m weak in my loneliness.

I need a new wallpaper, i’m not getting over it but i need to tone it down so i don’t look like a freak especially after what psy has done, I need to appear normal.

what is normal?

i don’t know i just know that i’m not. i am not normal, thus abnormal, thus i must pretend to be normal.

i’m bored and fed up— which leads to my mind wandering, but it tends to wander down the same paths, and i can tell you that’s most likely not a good thing, not after the year i’ve had.

being around people will not kill me. being around others should not be as daunting as i feel it is.

i think i need someone to talk to these days. 

i don’t actually want to talk to anyone, but i have a feeling that it would do me some good.

can that make sense? i almost reached out to bel again. it’s selfish and i can’t get her out of my life if i crawl to her looking for something she never gives me every time i face a small crisis.

i’m going to make it through this just fine, i think. day one i denied it, but i prayed, day two i pretended it didn’t matter, day three i got desperate for the truth and i found it and a bit more, day four i was a total wreck, day five, i felt a bit better, day six i was accepting it.

day four it was triggering me, but i got over it. days four and five my parents surprised me.

it’s been just over a week now but i’m still confused about how to deal and how i feel. 

you know when you start thinking and your thoughts lead you to a very different place than you should be and you’re even more confused at that place. yep, that’s where i am. i’m trying to keep and eye on the future, so that i can get over how much things are sucking lately. i can tell the next few months are gonna be rough on my family, especially with the holidays coming up.

I got a job, not really the one i was going for but it’s something and i really can’t take being around here out of work for much longer, i’m stronger than i was before but it doesn’t mean i’m fine all of the time.

i’m not happy about where i work, that building, i’ve basically been ‘known’ in that building for a few years now, i just don’t want to deal with the gossip and the talk, i don’t want to be talked about, and honestly i don’t want to talk to people.

i’m done with college so i’m not looking for friends, no i don’t want to add you on facebook and no i don’t want to hear about your life. but i know people there already,  i have a reputation of being a nice girl, funny and quiet and a tad innocent. whatever.

i’ve basically spent the past month at home, i just really like not having to deal with other people, catering to their personalities. 

but it’s better than being here with him all day, he’s got me so wrapped up in whatever it is that he’s playing at, his control, his world, that i can’t live freely. 

someone said they were jealous of my freedom, well if you think i’m free then let’s switch for a bit hmm? they should try living with him. 

i really just wish life had that section in the back of the book that gives the answers to half the problems, because i’m starting to doubt that i know how to work this equation.

May I K-pop rant?

I don’t actually need your permission. I can do what I want. 

I have expressed quite often that I think Yang HyunSeok’s business model is flawed, he could be making more money than he is.

I need to stop because at this point, this is where people could easily say that there’s another motivation that he’s trying to make the best product the highest quality music.

It’s childish, but I would put my hand in there face making the duck motion saying “blah blah blah” You want him to make artists and give them creative freedom but those things that they then need aren’t free. If you want to foster and nurture an artist, that’s fine but why not make money giving people something they want to earn some dough in the meantime? no?

Mr Yang, has to his ‘brand’ idols (im not going to discuss the artistic value of idols here but for my argument, let’s agree that some idols aren’t musical geniuses and or prodigies). Idols, however you feel, are a product in and of themselves they need stage presence, personality, looks, skill at dancing, some form of vocal skill, a desire to work hard, and give up their public identity entirely.

Current idols like 2pm, SNSD, Kara their faces are ingrained in society whether people mean to or not they will recognize a face they see on the side of a bus everyday, even if they don’t really know who the person is. That’s exposure. The three I identified earlier are kind of in the international realm faces of Korea, they not only promote themselves but things like Visit korea and especially in Kara’s case they are breaking into the Japanese market, as such. 

Idols are always out and about on talk and variety shows, radio programs, tv series, magazine shoots. How often do you see YG’s artists out and about in the media? Maybe gmarket or something, probably a lot less than you see, most other people.

What about frequency of release— how many years has it been since 2ne1’s debut in 2009? Granted in 2ne1’s case they release singles, but literal singles, no EPs but literally one track at a time. They have 2 EPs and one full album. (whereas t-ara another 2009 group has one full album and 4 EPs each of which has a repack save temptastic) Big bang, debuted in 2006, has something like 2 studio albums and 5 EPs (in Korea). Seven and Bi are pretty comparable Seven was doing well releases-wise until 2006/7 when he took a lengthy hiatus coming back since then with only a couple eps and singles (and he hasn’t done his military yet!)

And honestly 1tym was a pretty niche group, you know hiphop/rap sort of stuff, but i don’t really know how the just sort of disappeared.

Now I’m not saying that I could run an entertainment company as well or better than Mr. Yang, but I just seriously wonder why his two main acts are seemingly under utilized, as compared with their contemporaries. Also it seems as though the company’s resources can only be focused on one act at a time. I do not doubt that YGE deserves there top spot right now, but the game K-pop and hallyu are changing, unless they want to be replaced as a top Entertainment company, they need to step up, or they might just join DSP in the former top Ent Co. club.

(just want to disclaim here that this is just my opinion, feel free to disagree)