the thought a baby right now.. my oh my.
we’ve all got that weird pretty big secret that we don’t really hide but like we don’t flaunt it like “My brother died of cancer” or “I’m gay” or “I tried to kill myself last year” or anything really and when you find out somebody’s big plot twist you know you’re in this friendship for the long run
is this what i get?
i need to work on a lot of personal things, you know, i may actually be moving from my parent’s house soon, so soon and i think that living her is really crippling for me.
I’m terrified and excited.
also i’m at that stage again where i want to talk to people, i’m not going to but i’m here again. who knows how long i’ll feel that way.
i want to go on a trip to see my friend with another friend but i’m having a hard time working up the nerve to message them.
Ah. i’m trying so hard not to cling too much but not to be too cold or distant at work. it’s a hard act to pull off. maybe i’m too naive but i really have love for most of my coworkers.
there was that minuscule crush but i really think i’m over that.
drinking, helps me to be social but i can’t do that until i’m in a situation where it’s okay for that, also there’s a fine line before i start rubbing people’s thighs and getting overly affectionate and then drunk.
i want a real friend but i’m not sure i’m ready for that yet. i’m not sure there are any candidates either, i’m not that likable.
I hate being around, existing in other people’s lives. I hate it, i want to stop feeling like a failure, like i’m bothering people. I don’t understand social cues, i don’t know what’s appropriate and what’s not. mostly i just can’t relate well and most of the time i get too attached to people. and i bother them i bother everyone, i just want to be alone and fine, that’s good. i know myself well enough.
and when people tell me they ‘care’ or whatever i don’t believe them or worse i feel bad that they care for something as useless as me.
i want to go away and stop being me.
ever just expected something? taken for granted your feelings and attitudes, just assumed that something would happen that way, because it should happen that way?
I don’t know, I feel more and more like a dud or a lemon, like there’s something about me that no matter how hard I try, I’m just not fit for the road for very long.
I’ve been told it’s not best to compare yourself with others (which feels like I’m at the bottom of the barrel), but if I’m to count how far I’ve come then it’s still no where.
I don’t know, I’m going to stop telling people I went to college. They pity me, I hate it. Yes so, I went to school but it doesn’t mean I know how to get a ‘good’ job. I they didn’t know they’d think the job I have was a good job, good benefits, a nice union, and a pretty good pay rate.
I’m good at learning things I guess, for some reason my coworkers are impressed with my comprehension level for spanish, but I feel like it could be better.
Well that was whiney, but about that. I miss having an unconditional best friend. It sounds really high school but you know when you want to just grab some joe and shoot the breeze, whine and just have them commiserate about the shitty things they feel too.
I kind of thought that that kind of person was always a given but I don’t have one and you know whatever but there are times, i just miss it so much.
obviously i sometimes write my mind on here.
right now i’ve exiled myself from twitter, or rather tweetdeck, because my echofon and tweetcaster keep going off, so i check but i’m not on the t-list because someone is posting some things that trigger me to want to do things i shouldn’t.
its not their fault, i mean the things they’re posting are actually kind of meant to spur them to be triggered, but i have no right to stop them from doing that to them self.
i’ve only got my prayers and my hopes.
my friend told me once that you can’t save people, in the end, they get the choice. i’m still dealing with that one, but i want so much to believe her.
and maybe i couldn’t have saved her, and there was nothing anyone could have done. but i mean when i was eight or nine we had an assignment to draw our future house, what we wanted when we grew up. of course i drew a large house with two people inside of it, me and her— i never ever wanted to think of a future without her being there.
you know that’s the memory that hurts the most, not our petty fight in the 5th grade that had us on the outs until 8th grade when we realized it was nothing, no hard feelings, but we definitely weren’t best friends any longer. it was when i remember feeling like she’d be part of my life forever.
and she was still there, i mean i’d run into her around town a hello and a friendly greeting. nothing big, but it mattered. i don’t know that comfort of knowing someone else walked the earth with the same formative memories as me was comforting, she might not have known it but it a way she kept me from being a very depressed and lonely kid.
i mean, i’ll never ever forget her. and thats why i made a promise to not let the bad thoughts or things get to me, also i want to hold tight to everyone else in my life because i don’t want them to think they don’t mean the whole entire world to me.
being positive and looking forward aren’t always easy.
when one resolves to be good, to be positive, it seems easy, but really badness is so common and everyday that it’s hard to live like 24/7 beam of sunshine.
but i try to both begin and end each day with a good thought, a cheer, or something that says that today was good enough and tomorrow will be better.
I don’t really know if any of you are Christian or what you feel about theology and other belief systems, but as long as you’re respectful we’re all good.
I am a Christian, I don’t often go around saying that, honestly I believe those kinds of things are personal and there are times a places for them.
Anyhow, I don’t know if it’s the season or just this time in my life, but I feel like there are so many people I want to pray for, but honestly I want to do more than just pray but I don’t know how or what to do for them. If I got all my wishes then everyone on earth would be happy and health with joy in their hearts.
There’s so much bad stuff in life, so may unpleasant things and hardships that we are all faced with, and I get that, but sometimes I wonder if some people are so close to breaking and I just want to stand next to them and hold them up.
I’m trying hard to be positive and happy, I’m not tying to waste time being angry or vengeful, even though sometimes I seethe with venomous thoughts…
I want to be a good person, but I want to know how.
i feel like giving up your pride and self respect isn’t in itself a hard act, but dealing with how you feel afterwards is hard.
and honestly if i feel like i’m giving up my self respect then i must really not think highly of those around me, which is maybe a bigger problem.
the boy i worked with today… he was easy to get along with— but it was still awkward… but that’s how things are with me.
that super cheesy wongfu video popped up on my t-list and my newsfeed so obs i watched.
i was not touched, i thought it was trying too hard and that it showed too much.
maybe i’m just too cynical sure i try to believe in romantic love and all that jazz but it’s not easy when you’ve never felt it or like witnessed it first hand, i guess.
i know it’s not a simple as it is in fiction or as easy as just following the string tied to your finger, but i still couldn’t tell you what it is or how it feels like.
my language fails me when it comes to a single easy to define term to differentiate the different kinds or categories of love. love… i think i love my sisters and my niece, i know i love my friends, the whores and all those people who meant something to me sometime before.
but what is this love i’m supposed to feel towards a future partner, the person that i’m supposed to want to be with forever, what is is even like to want that?
i do know something, well i do know that i think that something, that when i love someone like that, in that way, i’m not going to want anything in return, that i’d just want to devote my life’s energy to them.
i can’t even imagine what it’d be like for someone to want to do that for me— it’s terrifying and burdensome. i don’t know.
but i really don’t know. i don’t know what it’s even like, i don’t know if it’s even for me.
it’s these songs love songs, ballad songs, rnb songs they tout that love is this great thing, i don’t know it might be, but they sure do make it hard not to wonder what love is?